The Stress of a Pincushion

I’m home for the weekend (yay!) for a doctor’s appointment. I had the appointment yesterday and talked to my doctor about pain. He’s wonderful in that he says he doesn’t like the idea of a 21-year-old walking around in constant pain. Nor do I, friend.

So, we were talking about weaning off some medications, and he brought up trying cortisone shots.

“I’d be willing to do that,” I said. (I’d be willing to do just about anything if he said there was even a chance of it helping the pain.)

I mean if you say shots will help…

I thought he meant we’d do them later. Oh, no, he meant then. I got four of those: two in my upper back, two in my lower back. It won’t necessarily help my joints, but I’m hoping it’ll help the muscular pain. I also got a flu shot today, so I’m feeling a bit like a pincushion. Super achy and extra fatigued, but hey, par for the course.

I’ve had to start thinking about what to do in the future. Like, after college. It’s daunting enough to think about without dwelling on your pain and whether or not you’ll be able to work. There are way too many ‘what ifs’ for me, someone who desperately tries to control and plan everything, but, I’m working on planning with my family.

Now’s not the time to talk about details concerning the future; that’s a post for another time. For now, I’d like to get through the next few weeks without having a meltdown. Lately, it’s felt like this:

My profs throwing everything ever at me

I literally started tearing up in a professor’s office a week or so ago. It was super embarrassing, and I booked it to the nearest restroom, freaked a girl out by crying, and had one of my best friends (shout-out to Michelle for being a saint) help me out. I calmed down enough to leave, and I do feel better now. Still stressed, but not nearly as badly stressed I was before. It’s frustrating when your mind moves faster than your body, and you are left at the mercy of what your body will allow you to do. I feel like emailing my professors and just saying ‘I’m sorry, I know maybe I’m quiet and don’t talk enough sometimes, and I know I could do better if my body let me, but, please, I am trying so hard.’ (But then they probably wouldn’t know what to do with me.)

Enough pity-partying, though. I’m so so so grateful to my friends and family for helping to pick me up when I am down. I’m trying to learn to give things to God more, to take a step back and say, ‘Your turn!’ It’s not easy. I guess it’s not supposed to be. We’re all learning, right? I’ll get there eventually.

(P.S.: Any well wishes for one of my other best friend, Christina, who is in the hospital now, would be appreciated!)